When I sat down and planned my topics for the week I had a pretty solid idea of what I was going to talk about and how I would structure the conversation. My topic for the day was supposed to be reasons to quit FaceBook. But when I skimmed down my list of why I wanted to quit FaceBook once and for all, I noticed a real, and somewhat disturbing, string that held all the reasons together:
I have a problem comparing myself to others.
I not only compare myself to others, but I systematically make myself feel lesser than others because I have not accomplished the things I feel I should have accomplished. Therefore, I hide in my corner in my room on my bed with my bears and my laptop and make myself feel like crap. I hide from conversations with friends and events they invite me to, just so that I don't have to hear about all the great stuff their doing, that I've already read about on FaceBook, while I sit on my bed in front of my computer.
This is a problem. And it's a problem that I've had since I was little. The comparison issue. In elementary school I compared myself to my best friend because I thought she had everything. I thought she was spoiled and smarter than me and therefore, better than me. Ironically, she thought the same things about me. That experience helped me temporarily get over my comparison issue. I went through most of middle school and high school not thinking about who was better than me. It was no longer important to me to be the smartest in the class, or have everything that some of the other girls had. I just wanted to do well and get into the college of my choice. That was my priority and it wasn't dependent on someone else.
Until the acceptance letters went out for the Ivy League Schools and I didn't get accepted to Harvard and there were girls who did get into the Ivy of their choice. Until Amherst. I felt accomplished again.
Then I went away. And I was ok with not being the best. I knew there were people there who did things I didn't, who probably accomplished things on the scale of phenomenal. I was ok with being average. Hell, my advisor basically told me I was average (I later learned he catered to athletes and males so he wasn't a good person to judge my worth at the college). I didn't need to be a standout person. I didn't need for everyone to know me. I didn't care about those things.
Until I saw Black girls accomplishing those things that I didn't think we could at that college. They were popular and guys loved them and they were smart. I admired it and hated it all at the same time. And questioned what the hell was wrong with me that I couldn't do that. This is where comparison can break you. Until someone shakes the shit outta you and says "Hey. Look at your writing. It's phenomenal. Your thought process is like no other. Your compassion for people no matter how much they have hurt you is unmatched." And I started feeling good about myself again.
All the way up until senior year. Senior year brought a lot of "WHY ME?" and "WHY NOT ME?" questions. I refer to that year as "The Year of the No" for me. It felt like all the doors I wanted to be open just kept shutting in my face. I didn't understand it. I worked hard. I felt I worked harder than quite a few people at the school. I played by the rules. I knew what I wanted. I had a plan. But everyone else around me was prospering and I was... stagnant. When graduation came I felt good again. I felt accomplished again. Listening to the President's speech made me feel better about going out into the world unemployed. I thought I would set up a plan for the summer, I would jump into, I would look for jobs, someone would hire me.
My plan is written down but it's been a slow start getting it to go. And I've been blaming that on everyone else except myself. I've been discouraging myself. I've been my own enemy. Not my FaceBook friends. Not my real life friends. I look at something they've done this week or the fun they've been having and I cower in the face of it. I pull my covers up to my chin and sulk watching the saddest movies I can find just so my crying is justified. It's gotten to a point where all I can see is the negative and I see the no coming before I've even asked.
I will no longer suffer this spiritual death by comparison. I'm gonna say death to comparison. When my friends ask "So what are you up to?!" with their excitement over their own lives, I will share in their excitement and show my own.
I have a blog that's doing better than ANY blog I've had previously. I'm preparing for the GRE because I know I want a Masters in American Literature and a Doctorate in African American Literature. I have a workout schedule, something I didn't have in college, and I feel good about it. I have a place to live, food to eat and a family who loves and supports me and tells me to take my time finding a job because it's hard to do and things do not fall in your lap. I have a list of over 100 books to read. I have a boyfriend who supports me and tells me everyday that he loves me and misses me and can't wait til we're together permanently. I have my health. I have insurance. I'm not wanting for anything (except a trip to LA). Yes, my bank account is empty but whatever. I'd rather find the right job than to do something that I don't really wanna do. I have a lot to feel accomplished about. Someone, somewhere may be doing the same comparison thing with me and my life.
So, rather than count my losses and the "no's" and the don't haves, I'm going to start counting the wins, the 'yes's' and the haves. Be satisfied with what I have, but never complacent, because I can always strive to do better.
Comparison never did anything for me but push me into a corner. So it's time for it to go.
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